Families of Choice

August 31, 1997 ... 14 years ago …

It was sunny and breezy and the thermostat near the antique and decorated barn read a perfect 80. The guests were seated in white lawn chairs and the lawn was laid with white linen. The trellis was laced with flowers and the children were all in silky white and gold. This is the Moment played through the sound system and the guests stood to welcome our walk toward a new family. Nieces and nephews, Allison, Caitlin, Parker, Jessica, and Connor did their job as 'itty bitty ushers and attendants, while my children Juliana, Adam, Dylan and Cheyenne all made their way down the white linen path as a bridal party. As the song built to a crescendo I walked down the stairs on the journey toward the man of my dreams. It was my fairytale wedding, done exactly as I wanted it and I never had a moment of doubt. 

We pledged for better or worse and meant it. My four children and I were being accepted by this man and together we would be a brand new family. I often questioned his sanity in that choice and still do—he never did. We knew the rigors of raising children were likely to be harder than our dream wedding belied but neither of us would be faced with any of that for years to come. That night was the beginning of the next chapter in my life and my children were happy and excited for it all.

Reality did eventually set in, with Juliana being the first to reach adolescence right about the time Delaney was born. We had a newborn, a teenager, and blended family drama. There were a few days (OK, more than a few) where my stubborn husband and my stubborn daughter did not get along. She had boyfriends we could seriously do without, people over in our absence and a few bad choices that left us all scratching our heads. Add in the complexity that comes from her natural parents not always being on the best terms … let’s just say it is a “process."  All the while, my husband never crumbled under the pressure or even considered walking away.  (Yes, sanity is still in question.)

Juliana paved the way and with three more teenagers right behind her I knew we were in for a bumpy few years. We had such a mixture of delight and drama that our life was in high gear.  Friends would comment on the frenzy of our lives but the joy we had was always apparent. I have always felt extremely blessed and even when things were hard knew I was among "the lucky ones."  I must attract the chaos but it is a comfortable commotion that seems to suit me. (OK, so, my sanity may be in question too. Fair enough.)

By the time Mackenzie was born in 2003, Juliana was beginning to feel maternal and connected once again. Eventually she moved into an apartment with Chris but came home every morning to be the nanny to my two children and slowly the previous tension between stepfather and stepdaughter released. As Juliana matured she began to understand the traits that at one time seemed hard and unyielding in my husband, as simply discipline and rules. As she sat wide-eyed and agape at some of the antics her younger siblings got up to she started developing her own standards for discipline, not much different than ours. (You all recognize this right? I am pretty sure it’s called, "Growing up.") 

She began to enforce the rules with the younger girls and even attempted to crack the tough exterior of Cheyenne. She was making progress, too. She had become "one of us" and I started feeling the reward of starting a family young. Juliana was there for my "growing up" just as I was there for hers. I have always believed that she and I have been connected through many lifetimes by choice.  (If you read my book that is what the foreword refers to).  

Last night at the hospital she asked me what the date was. I told her August 30, and she immediately said, “Then tomorrow is your anniversary, right?” Of course she would remember.   

Today Cheyenne is hanging out with Juli and Nikki at the hospital and from the pictures I am receiving they seem to be having a good time. That must be the "new adorable" that Cheyenne mentioned. Those girls have always been good to each other and good for each other.  Cheyenne felt so lost after Juliana’s accident and I think perhaps is only just recently starting to heal. Cheyenne really brings out the playful side in Juli. In all of us, actually—when she wants to anyway—and as much as I get exasperated with her I should probably admit her personality is closest to mine. Mackenzie is still in the running for that "dishonor" though.

Tonight I will not be there when Juliana goes to sleep, so I can have an anniversary dinner with Donnie. Instead, I will leave that to my sister Lori and Chris’ mom Gloria who are both great companions for Juli. No topic is off limits, all love is apparent and I have no worries leaving Juli. Gloria, like Cheyenne, is a comedy act all her own. Sorry Gloria, I know you don’t like the attention but it has to be said: You are hysterical. I hope you can give Juliana some new material to use. Thank you for being such a good woman to my daughter. I look forward to calling you her mother-in-law officially.

Medina-Barnes-Ramos … That is another blending of families that we had to learn as Gloria has landed in my life like a force of nature and I had to scoot over to allow another alpha female into my world, as I suspect she had to accept me into hers. Her son is our conduit and he is passionately devoted to us both, albeit quite differently. But as strong, determined and loving women we are learning to appreciate the other and sense a certain type of role we can fill for the other. I am only speaking for myself of course, but it is a camaraderie born of necessity, but it's welcome. 

As parents, Juli’s dad and I have some learning yet to do, although we have more good days than bad. I suppose it is expected to see things fundamentally different (otherwise we wouldn’t be divorced) but am glad that we both are marching in the same direction, even if we are taking different vehicles. It was especially good that he was in the room during the baclofen pump trial to see the results of the medicine and express to the doctor his full support of moving forward with the procedure. Although I was the only one required to sign off, it makes it easier (as you can imagine) if I don’t have objections from the other people involved in her life. His enthusiasm of this very tough choice actually tipped the scales on a procedure that I fought for many months. 

As I was describing the results of the trial to Chris Medina (distinguishing between her father and her fiancé) on the phone I told him "Her Dad was here, saw the results and even he thinks we need to do it right away." Considering that we disagree on a lot of her treatment, this consensus was pretty impressive and Chris Medina agreed that it was as well. During therapy 18 months ago Chris was the first to bring the pump surgery to my attention as an option and repeatedly I squashed the idea and even the conversation. So to go from that point to this one is quite the turnaround. 

We knew the drawbacks, and we knew that this would make it more risky for Juliana to have children in the future, although not impossible. Judging by comments I have seen on this topic, I am guessing I left the impression that the pump made childbearing for Juliana impossible, but that is not the case. Neither the medicine nor the implement makes conceiving a child impossible. It can be done, has been done, but it just increases the risk of complications, etc.  The choice we all made was that if we couldn’t get her to the point where she could be a mother, carrying a child became irrelevant. 

It was less of an issue for this particular couple of fiancées who have lived their lives with all the options open anyway. They have both been ‘left of center’ and never thought there is only black or white. The company they keep is a testament to this as their social network has always contained as much variety of personality, shapes, sizes, and careers as exists in the world today. I am so very proud of the company she kept and love many of her friends for the unique souls that they are and welcome them as part of my eclectic family. It has certainly added activity and spice to my life as I watched them grow up and now have the opportunity to socialize with them myself. I am grateful they have invited me to hang with the cool crowd.

Because of who they have always been, for Juli and Chris it was not a conversation of drama and sadness, but merely thinking outside of the box they never lived in anyway. The possibility of Juli not being able to conceive or bear children for any number of reasons has always lingered in our minds. They openly discussed alternatives from surrogacy to adoption, to which she asked me if it came to that, if I would carry her baby. I have always loved being pregnant and would do anything for my daughter so speaking completely hypothetically, I said “Yes”.

Ponder on that for a moment.

Dynamically weird, huh?  I know but THAT is the sort of thing that would actually define my nonsensical life. Don’t take any of that as a "plan of action" or a "decision" or anything more than what it was: my daughter asking her if I would help her and I agreed. I have given you so much transparency into my crooked world, what is one more dose of vertigo? We are a reality show I tell ya. Or at least a Dr. Seuss book.

And still to my dismay, my husband loves me.  Happy Anniversary Donnie.