The Student Becomes the Teacher

Before the crash that changed my world I was your average mom with an adult daughter who was the nanny to my youngest daughters.  The situation couldn’t be more ideal.  I had the very best of care for my daughters and they had the love and affection of the girl they completely idolized.  I also had the opportunity to ensure Juliana’s bills were paid by her working it off with the girls.  She not only filled the position, she lived the position.  She dolled them up when necessary, took them to the doctor when they were sick, made sure they ate healthy foods and played with them like they were treasured toys.  She fiercely defended them to teachers and gently scolded them when they did wrong.  She sympathized with their little girl worries and participated when they were silly.  She appreciated their imagination and bragged about their personalities.  She taught them to be students and showed them how to be girls.  She loved them as if they were her own and treated them as if they were.  Some would say she was practicing for her own kids but to see Juliana with Delaney and Mackenzie you would think they were her own kids. 

This may not make me look like the most involved and responsible mom but I will let you draw whatever conclusions you want.  Juliana earned her position in their lives and deserves to be recognized for it, I won’t take that from her.  Besides, as a mother, sometimes you have to make choices for the best of your children, even when the outside world might think less of you for it.  Juliana has always been a staunch supporter of her family, probably more than anyone else in it and to rail against one would be to incur her wrath.  She was unaware of her little frame and limited strength when it came time to take a stand.  She wasn’t a bully by any means but if it meant defending one of her own, she was all mental muscle.  Her friends and family know exactly what I am talking about and as she returns eversoslightly to Facebook you might be privy to this as well.  Don’t worry, I will ensure she keeps it civil (even if her inclinations are still a bit on the unfiltered side). I have the same expectations for her that I have for myself: take pride in how you present yourself to the world.  In terms of what you put out in this public forum, use discretion: Just because you think it, doesn’t mean you say it.  Just because you feel it doesn’t mean you express it.  Just because you want it, doesn’t mean you get it.  Time, patience, respect and dignity, they are things she understood before the accident, displayed to the girls she nannied and wanted as much from the people that were close to her.  She rarely chose to be with people who were inappropriate to others or caused any kind of embarassment to someone she cared about.  And although she was known for being quirky and unpredictable, it was never in the form of malice or disrespect.  Kindness was important to her.  

Juli instructed my girls by leading by example and for that I am proud of her.   Often that meant appearing to cave in to their little demands when it might have seemed the ‘right ‘ thing to do was to fight them.  My dad used to say, “Don’t mistake kindness for weakness” and often people do.  It starts as a child.  They think that if you give in to letting them have their way that you are a pushover instead of sympathetic to their deserving a treat now and then.  Adults feel if you don’t assert your point that you must be cowering when maybe you think that the path of least resistance is also the kindest.   I don’t have all the answers but when in doubt, I listen to Phil’s voice in my head because God knows I sure didn’t listen to it when it was in my ears.  For that I am so sorry Dad but rest assured that you have made your point and I am listening and learning now.  I was the pupil that would excel in school and ignore the lessons at home but I get it now, and the tables have turned.  I go through the cycle of knowing now what I have to do as a mom, taking what I have learned and applying them to my children, 6 times—well, now 7.  Juliana is not really re-learning as much as re-remembering that she knew it all along.  As that side of her emerges, sparks and flares come with it.  Some I control, some I don’t, some I just don’t see coming.  Either way, it is an electric journey through learning, and to be honest, isn’t life? 

Many times I have tried to leverage her previous strong bond to her sisters to elicit the type of response that will show empathy for others.  Most of the time, my intervention has a delayed reaction as Juliana needs time to process what she is experiencing.  So when I say to her, “Juliana, Mackenzie really wants to help you to talk because it makes her feel like she is working toward getting her nanny back.” She may not immediately be receptive to Mackenzie walking over to whip out the flash cards.  But, given the right amount of time to digest and the right amount of sleep and relaxation she can be open to the place where she will play along ‘for Mackenzie’s sake.   We know that they both benefit but that is a secret ‘mommy manipulation’ that they will learn about one day, no need to spoil the fun now. 

Juliana started to catch on to that game in the years prior to her accident.  She saw my fabricated disappointment when Delaney’s grade wasn’t as high as it could be or, my forced sadness when Mackenzie was not sharing her toys.  Juliana recognized the calculation in it all and had her first ‘aha Mommy moment’ as I saw it sweep across her face. 

“Did you used to do that to us, too?”  she asked back then.

"What are you talking about?”  I said with feigned confusion.

“Pretend to be mad just to get us to do what you wanted” 

Silence-with-a-smirk, then I replied, “What do you think?”

Flash forward to Juliana’s re-entrance into our home post-accident.  Delaney, in all her kind and caring ways, tried to assist in Juliana’s care in any way that she could.  She is the child that is full of heart and compassion and you could see hers visibly break to watch Juliana in need.  Then there was Mackenzie who jumped right in to the task of helping Juli through therapy.  She would instruct (ok "boss") Juli on how to speak, use her hands even walk.  Cute, right?  Well neither of them appeared all too cute to Juli.  Resistance led to aggression until I had to divert their attention away from the sister they missed so badly.  I guess it was just too soon—too soon for help from someone she had helped, too soon for pity from someone she had pitied, too soon for instruction from someone she had instructed.  I understood them all, none of them understood each other but times they are a-changing and with that brings a slightly kinder gentler Juli that is allowing the girls to help her heal because she wants to help them.

The other night after Juliana had gone to bed and we had "all settled in for a long winter’s nap…" I heard her calling me through the monitor so I went back downstairs.

“Mom, I love you. Can I have a hug?” Really, you have to ask?  Then she said, “Don’t worry.”

“About what?” I was confused but it was late so I sort of thought she might have been dreaming.

“About me, don't worry about me because I am going to get better.”

Ah my strong, brave fighter Juliana—I think you are learning.