Rehab, Regret and Where ARE You Radio?

Juliana’s surgery went well. Her foot is now bandaged and casted but the surgeon said he was able to make a lot of progress on her range of motion. He cut and lengthened the Achilles tendon and a couple of other less famously named tendons. A week in this cast then on to a walking cast! I already notice when standing her that she is a bit more stable because she has the left foot for some balance. He talked about doing the right foot in the future but we have to let the left one heal first. Juliana says she has some pain in her ankle but it doesn’t seem too intolerable. With only one day off (surgery day), therapy continues. I attended both PT and Speech with her yesterday and from my observation they are going too easy on her. (Sounds terrible, I know, but I have seen her do so much more!)  It is my opinion that they need to work her muscles more and utilize every one of the 45 minutes but there is setup, conversation and minute breaks here and there.  The funny thing is Juliana said she likes the therapy here “more than Next Steps."  I suspect it is for the same reasons I am reserving my opinion: it’s easier.  I know that Nikki saw something more encouraging so maybe the weekends are designed to have an easier go of it.  Speech therapy still eludes me in its effectiveness, especially if half of the time, she has a new therapist trying to understand her. The whole 45 minutes yesterday was spent deciphering what she was saying but rarely giving her instruction on how to do it better. I might be expecting too much from this discipline because I am rarely impressed by it. Maybe I am just grumpy today.

Today is my nephew Jim’s wedding and I am stressing a bit about getting from here to there with all the details in place. Two of my kids are in the wedding and I am doing my best Mrs. Doubtfire routine of switching from hospital helper in sweats and a ponytail and wedding event guest in a dress and makeup. The van has become my dressing room! The juggling act is not all that different from any working parent trying to "do it all."  Everything in our lives gets prioritized and even though you can manage to keep a social life in place, it falls further and further to the bottom.    

I am actually OK with the juggling act I perform but sometimes it means "pretending" I don’t see how my choices have affected others.  Anyone in a large family understands that sometimes the quantity of people IS the quality and the sacrifice of time and resources must carry its own silent reward.

At least, that is what I tell myself when I leave my husband and little girls to head back up to the hospital after each time. 

I hope that my children will at least learn by my example how to prioritize for those that cannot help themselves. I suspect they mostly understand. The one thing I wish is that my mind could stay where I am, instead of where I am not. I have long believed that the curse of human nature is to want what you don’t have and this applies in many aspects. While here at the hospital I feel the longing and guilt of those I left behind. When not with Juliana I feel like I am leaving her unattended and fear she won’t be heard or understood. And all the while I fear I might have made the wrong choice and left the others resentful.  Don’t worry, I don’t obsess about it. I very easily slip into the belief that I am making the best choice I can at the time. 

Next week the (new) routine begins again and some time during the week they will discuss discharge. If along the way they feel they can do something significant to help her, she will stay another week. If they conversely think that she would be good enough at outpatient rehab, she will be discharged and we will resume her schedule at RIC in Willowbrook and Next Steps for intensive walking as soon as she gets the clearance to start doing that. I have a lot of faith in the boys over there because I have seen them work her into a sweat and still keep going. She definitely works hard for them and that is probably the root of wanting them to push her harder here. 

Chris continues to tour and perform and so their lives run in very different paths.  Norway, Sweden, Germany, Singapore … the mind just baffles. If we got his song on American radio he would be just as in demand here, but the music business is a mystery to me. I’ve only ever been a fan and a listener, knowing what I like. I can only assume radio stations aren’t driven by that simplicity. Pity. 

We couldn’t have known this is where they would be two years ago but the festivities she is missing this weekend has had some impact on her. She told me yesterday, “If I would have gotten married, I would probably be having a baby by now.”  Instead, two of her cousins got married and an uncle had a baby.

Life goes on. 

And as much as we all want very badly for that to be Juliana’s future, we really don’t know. I can be her greatest cheerleader and say that I believe she will definitely get married and have kids one day but the more time that passes with only minute changes makes that harder and harder to believe. Juliana doesn’t read this so my honest fears can’t hurt her. Chris does and for that, I am sorry but we have discussed this same topic at length many times. I have said from the beginning of his fame that my fear was always that his reputation was so tied to his devotion to Juliana that I worried that he would never be able to move on, if she was not able to become his wife. He was angry at that conversation the first times we had it. He never wants to acknowledge that possibility. But the more time that passes, and I know it’s only been two years (…only…) neither of them are the same people they were before the accident. It is my hope that while they can’t be a typical engaged couple, their connection and friendship will allow them to become reacquainted as the people they are becoming. If that allows them to be husband and wife and parents to my grandchildren, it would be a dream come true. And though I continue to dream, two years of hard time has me waking up to reality. I will continue supporting her through changes, even if they come in spurts and then disappear only to reappear disappointingly (tremors…sigh). Each day rewrites this script and I will continue to take you along.  Based on what I have lived so far, it’s a great story.